Monday, August 25, 2008

Craptacular Writer Series: Greg Doyel

I am about as sick of the whole Jimmy Rollins business as the next guy. I would like to concentrate on just seeing this team make a run in September, as it is definitely in the realm of possibility.

Furthermore, I am aware that Philadelphia fans are not exactly innocent. We've done some pretty stupid things that we deserve blame for (behavior at the Vet necessitating a on-site courtroom for one), but I know we're not as bad as portrayed in the national media. I grew up here and know these people and they're good people. Sometimes, a bit overserved and a bit too passionate, but at heart, no one here means anyone harm, fan-wise. That's one of the weirdest things about the Rollins attack on the fans; we really like Jimmy here.

The media reaction to Rollins' outburst has ranged from reasoned, with historical context (Bill Conlin) to the subject of this particular post. Sportsline's Greg Doyel wrote about the hackiest opinion of the Philadelphia fanbase that I have ever read and that's saying something. It reads like a Philadelphia fan defiled this guy wife and forced him to watch. Basically, it's just an uninformed rip-job on a fanbase that has sold out Citizen's Bank Ballpark all summer long.

I thought I would provide a little running commentary to my favorite parts of the "column".
All front-runners are, by definition, soft. A front-runner is gutless. A front-runner gets behind a winner, sure, but only gets on a loser. A front-runner takes the easy road. That's what a front-runner does.

Really? Who wrote this definition? Webster? According to wikipedia, the term "frontrunner" can also be used to describe a type of sports fan who likes only the team that is winning. The Phillies are losingest franchise in professional sports. Shouldn't we actually have a winner to jump on first, so then we can front run it?

Look, Philly fans, you can't have it both ways. If you're going to dish it, you have to be able to take it.

No, Greg, I or any other fan doesn't have to "take it" from an overpriveleged, overpaid professional athlete. Now or ever. When is it EVER acceptable for a consumer to take shit from a paid entertainer? This isn't the Little League World Series! These are highly compensated individuals. At least that's what I figured after seeing Jimmy Rollins on MTV Cribs. This is a billion dollar business and fans are consumers. Maybe CBS Sportsline applauds when you hand in your shitty columns, but we don't applaud here for dogshit play and piss poor effort.

Flick a player in the nose all you want, but when one of them flicks you back, you have to smirk and let him know it didn't hurt. Otherwise, you're nothing but a schoolyard bully -- strong because you have all that size, but weak as soon as someone fights back.

Flick a player in the nose? You must fight like a girl! one has "flicked" Rollins' nose this year. He's generally been a pretty popular player here (you may heard the MVP chants last season before he won the award). Look, Greg. Don't know where you come from, but when someone "flicks me back" as you suggest, NOT retaliating only invites more disrespect. That's not a bully acting; that's just intelligence. Rollins is a handsomely paid professional who said something incredibly stupid to the local consumers. Rollins (and the front office) need to understand what is and what is not acceptable.

Charlie Manuel knows what Philly fans are like. Everyone knows what Philly fans are like. They're brutal. They're relentless. They're happy when things are going well, sure, but they're miserable at all other times. It's a stadium full of your mother-in-law.

What? No Santa reference? Yeah, maybe you heard. Been a LONNG time between championships around here. 100 seasons to be exact and the way this Phillies team is playing, it's going to be 101.

Whatever the case, Rollins spoke the truth -- and he continued to speak the truth after he returned to town Tuesday. Rollins said the behavior of Philly fans hurts the team's efforts to pursue the best free agents on the market.

Of course Rollins is going to say that. Naturally, Doyel couldn't or wouldn't get corroboration from an athlete who turned down the best offer in their free agent year to come to Philly. That would actually take work, which this column clearly didn't demand. With professional athletes, money talks and bullshit walks. If the Phillies show a free agent the money, it's amazing how much they take to the town. Just ask Brad Lidge.

Right, Philly fans? You idiots. There are lots of reasons your town hasn't won a championship in football, baseball or basketball since 1983 (ArenaBowl doesn't count), and why the Phillies specifically have won a single World Series (1980) in 124 years in the big leagues -- and you, the Philly fan, are one of them.

Wow, this sentence is yesterday's flecks of corn in this pile of shit of a column. I don't recall a fan dropping a single pass, throwing a single interception, making a single error, blowing a sacrifice attempt, or any other act on a professional field of play. I didn't even know I was under contract. Perhaps I need to talk to my agent and get my deal renegotiated, because after witnessing all 25 years of Philly sports since the last championship, I can say with certainty that if I can't have a championship, at least I can get a nice set of rims on my escalade.

This stuff isn't rocket science.

Clearly not, but coming up with a cogent opinion might seem like it to you, Greg.

At the highest level, sports are as much mental as physical.

Now he's resorting to plagiarizing Yogi Berra badly.

When everyone on the field is a professional athlete, and the skill level is roughly even, the mental side will decide things. Any idea how hard it must be -- mentally -- to compete on a daily basis, over a grinding 162-game schedule, knowing the home crowd is ready to pounce? It's not easy. It's why Yankees fans were stupid to boo A-Rod into oblivion two years ago, turning his physical battle into a mental one that had him throwing baseballs away and batting eighth in the lineup.

Of course it's hard. If it wasn't fucking hard, everyone would be doing it. The MINIMUM a major league player can make is almost $400,000. Geez, I didn't realize we were hurting their feelings, what with, patronizing their sport the way we do and expecting them to actually perform consistently on the field. I mean, Geez, should I pay more money? Would that help? Cry me a fucking river for today's professional athletes.

Furthermore, to compare Yankee fans and Phillie fans is beyond stupidity. The Yankees are the Rolls Royce of baseball sports franchises, with 26 World Series titles, including 1 at the expense of the Phillies in 1950. The Phillies, on the other hand, are more like the Edsel. They have won 1 title in their mostly futile history; a history which goes back to the late 1800s. The Phillies eclipsed 10,000 losses last year; by contrast, the Yankees have about that many wins (@9500) in their franchise history.

And Yankee fans may or may not be stupid, but they are dead-on about ARod. ARod is about as clutch as an automatic transmission.

You were just booing what you don't understand.

No, I understand pretty clearly. A guy hitting .255 blaming his problems and the problems of the team on the fans. That TOTALLY makes sense to me.

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