Friday, September 26, 2008

Get to Know The Bears

The Eagles' opponents this week hail from the fine city of Chicago. One of the most storied franchises in the history of the NFL, the Chicago Bears feature one of the toughest defenses in the league. Chicago is also my second favorite city in America after the City of Brotherly Love. The Chicago style hot dog is a work of art, in my opinion, with all of the food groups represented.

What else do you need to know about the Bears and Chicago?

1.) The most famous neck beard in football. One thing the Bears have over the Eagles as they go into their matchup is they have as their QB the owner of the most famous neck beard on the Internet, Kyle Orton. As Eagle fans, we know from neck beards. Remember Koy Detmer?

Honestly, though. Does this look like someone Brian Dawkins and the crew should be concerned with? He looks like a cross between the Unabomber and that guy we all knew in college that drank the bong water.

2.) Cro-Magnon Man is a Linebacker. Now we come to everyone's favorite member of mensa, Brian Urlacher. Don't you just get the feeling that if there wasn't such a sport as football, that Brian Urlacher would be a bouncer at a bar, with the high hopes of owning his own bar someday? He's the kind of guy who would probably look at "Roadhouse" as not so much cheesy entertainment as a career plan.

The guy also needs to be a bit more discriminating with his women. I mean, this is the same guy that "hung out" with Paris Hilton and had a kid out of wedlock with a broad that should be the poster child for why athletes should stay away from groupies. Setting his own dick on fire might be a more expeditious solution to whatever it is he's trying to do himself by being tied to these two cumdumpsters.

Urlacher also has the distinction of an uncanny resemblance to our forebears on this Earth. See the picture below? One is of a violent, monosyllabic creature who procreates indiscriminately and the other is of a model of what scientists figure cro-magnon man look like.

Go ahead, Darwin. Tell'em apart, if you can.

3.) The Lance Briggs Driving School!

Lesson #1: If you've been drinking Irish Car bombs since happy hour, by all means get behind the wheel of your expensive Italian sports car.

Lesson #2: If you wrap it around a pole, just leave the fucker there.

Lesson #3: Lie about how the car got there and because so much time will have passed, you won't get charged with DUI or any other offense you may have been charged with or any other embarassing piece of information that may have come of such an incident.

On the other hand, maybe Lance Briggs lent his car to his little brother who went joy riding with Jeff Spicoli. Yeah, things didn't work out too well for Lincoln High that week, did they? Let's hope Lance is no longer bitter about crashing his car, which I am absolutely sure was done under the most innocent of circumstances.

4.) Team Fight Songs. Did you know the Bears have a fight song? I didn't know before I wrote this piece, but yes, the Bears do have a fight song. It seems a bit more involved and arcane lyrically and it actually looks like work to sing the song. I think the whole "Bear Down" lyric gives the song a bit of a downer quality whereas the Eagles fight song with "Fly Eagles Fly" evokes more a soaring imagery, but hey, judge for yourself:

Not a bad song, but don't you think it's a long? Good to see George Wendt hasn't eaten himself to death. Let's hope we don't hear too much of this song on Sunday, but if you're travelling to the game, I'm sure you'll be subjected to it.

For my money, the Bears fight song has WAY too many lyrics to remember when you're at the game and you're hammered. I'm convinced, however, that the composer of the Eagles fight song took that into account when writing the lyrics. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever sung the Eagles fight song sober.

5.) Chicago is Bi-Polar. Did you know there was a North Side and South Side to Chicago? It's true. While both sides of town seem united behind the Bears, I think it's important to know that each side of town has different tastes with respect to the baseball teams they root. The following video demonstrates the sort of debating one usually only finds during an Eagles-Cowboys game. Notice the eloquence of the guy in the Jim Thome jersey.


Pockets said...

Wow this blog got downright raunchy in this post. Not that I'm new to any of these terms but wow...somehow I thought this was a classier establishment.

JohnDewar said...

@pockets: Thanks for the feedback. You're probably right; I could have made some of the same points without the potty mouth.

Pockets said...

Good post tho.